What you need to know

2 Jan

1. I’ve spend years justifying why I should or should not write about my life. It’s always more fun when I do. And it’s always more fun when people can read it. I guess those who roll their eyes at other peoples’ self-promotion (myself included) should lighten up and just go with it. It’s 2011. People are going to talk about themselves, increasingly exponentially from now until the apes take over.

This is a picture of turtles having sex in my yard. THAT'S how interesting shit can get around here.

2. Even though it goes against my true self, I feel like I should tone down my language. For example, I wanted to type above “Motherfuckers are going to talk …” but what if children read this? Children should be asleep by now, anyway. What? It’s noon where you are? Try drugging them. That works for me.  Google “safely drugging children.”

3. Don’t really do that. I’ve never done it. But frankly I’m curious now. Let me know what you find.

4. Let’s face it — my life isn’t terribly interesting, but it’s more interesting than the shit I could make up. Example: I’ve been like, “Surely I could write a novel. There’s so much tripe out there.” And so far the best scenario I’ve come up with is a series about a housewife who develops superpowers because she’s friends with God. Who the fuck is going to read that? Besides my mom?

5. Still, my life is kind of interesting, and while I probably can’t always be totally honest (there are some heinous, HEINOUS assholes I’ve had the misfortune of knowing, and they know who they are but I can’t really go into details) I can still hopefully weave a good yarn.

6. And maybe post some photos? And videos?

7. Google “Barbara Allen.” It’s a song. It’s where I get the title. It’s about a girl who breaks a guy’s heart in a bar. He dies of said broken heart. Is that me or what? Hanging out in a tavern, I mean.

8. Here’s what I look forward to all year:

This photo has not been edited in any way.

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