What’s your plan?

17 Feb

What’s neat about blogging is that I am now able to overcome my compulsion to tell you what I did today and just tell you the best part of what I did today. I once had a professor who hypothesized in research that storytelling is not just the most important but the sole  means by which humans communicate.

Everything is a story — it’s just a matter of the telling that gives it merit.

So, a story.

Tonight at dinner, we discussed our zombie plan.

For the uninitiated, a zombie plan is your solution to the problems that inherently arise when the world is overrun by undead who want to eat your brains.

If you did an informal poll of those with zombie plans, a large majority would tell you they plan to simply head to Walmart and barricade themselves inside. Makes sense, right? Lots of food, weapons, an electronics section. Only problem is, Walmart is crowded enough Thursdays at 5 — what happens when every non-undead (is that redundant?) man, woman and child in town makes for the same place? Chaos, I tell you — chaos on top of the chaos that already ensued from the realization that life as we know it has ended.

So we got to talking about said zombie apocalypse, and in the end we have more questions than answers about our future.

We were split on living arrangements — half of us (that’s me) wanted to try to live on a houseboat while the other half (Vivi and Ol’Boy) thought we’d be better off on an island we could defend.

Which begs the question: Can zombies swim? I like to think not, but that opened up a whole host of questions about surviving the apocalypse, which we all agreed we wanted to do.

So if any of you know the answers to any of these questions, please let us know, because it will help us unify as a family to survive the end of the world. Please and thank you.

1. Can zombies die?

2. If so, how?

3. Will they starve to “death” if they don’t get enough brains/human flesh, or will they simply wander the earth forever looking for animated tissue?

4. Should I just plan on shooting them in the head vs. starving them out?

5. Do they burn?

6. Blow up?

7. Can they drown? In other words, can I help others by luring them to my boat by shooting and waving my arms and yelling “My brains are awesome!”, only to watch them sink to the depths one by one? (You’re welcome.)

8. How did they get to be zombies? Does one person somehow become a zombie and then bites someone else and now there are two zombies who bite someone else and now there are four zombies etc. ad infinitum?

9. Or is it more like the recently dead arise, say people who’ve been dead like 24 to 72 hours, all at once?

10. How many zombies before an official “end times” designation?

11. If Jesus descended like he promised in the middle of this, would he be edible?

12. How fast are zombies? (This is actually a critical component to surviving the end of the world — if they are lumbering and slow like in a Michael Jackson video before the dancing starts, that would be a real win for the living.)

13. And this is really just more of a statement: While Ol’Boy and Vivi brainstormed solutions, I suggested that perhaps it might be easier to simply give up early on in the undead Earth takeover so I didn’t have to spend the rest of my life worried that a zombie was going to eat my brains. I mean, that is a really stressful existence. Add kids to the mix and whew! I’m not sure that’s the kind of lifestyle I want to try to maintain.

Again, any input you have would be appreciated. Also, we realized tonight at dinner that we don’t have nearly enough shotguns or hand grenades in the house. I put Vivi in charge of rectifying that. She’s in there listening to Glen Beck now …

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2 Responses to “What’s your plan?”

  1. Julie Clanton February 17, 2011 at 9:50 pm #

    If movies give us any answers I think I can answer the question: Can zombies swim and/or can they drown? If you have ever seen the movie Shock Waves, there are Nazi zombies who can walk on the bottom of the ocean. So they just sort of walk out of the water and onto the beach. Pretty creepy! One of the zombies also wrestles a shark underwater and the zombie wins!

    Sounds like a fun conversation!

  2. garishchicken February 21, 2011 at 10:46 pm #

    I am going to have nightmares now, and I blame you. You know I can’t tolerate zombie talk. Egads.

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